Happy Little Trees

By being a naturally pale person, I qualify to be a spokesperson for the Unofficial Fake Tan Society.

I have been fake-tanning for several years. I was first exposed to fake tanning at about 7 years of age when my sister purchased a bottle of QT by Coppertone (Quick Tanning). I quickly learned through her example that the misapplication of the liquid or failure to thoroughly wash hands afterwards can lead to a fake tan disaster characterized by the classic "orange palm" syndrome. Orange knees, orange elbows and ankles, and also strange streaks can also be attributed as side effects of misapplication.

The hard part about fake tanning is waiting for the after effect. You can follow all the directions perfectly, and still have weird things happen.

A few mistakes I've made through the years:

1) Not applying the "lotion blocker" to my feet in a spray tanning booth. My philosophy was that my feet weren't being sprayed...why did I need to put it on the bottom of my feet? I neglected to think about all the spray that had collected onto the floor of the booth. And I wound up with my co-worker deemed "Kroger-feet"--how a child's feet look after walking barefoot through a grocery store.

2) Post airbrush tan, I got splattered with water drops from the sink. Also, please note, avoid rain like the plague. Every drop will equal another mess-up to your tan.

3) Don't exercise post-spray tanning until after you've showered. I went to a spin class and discovered that I was sweating off my tan onto a white gym towel. I tried to keep folding the towel so no one would notice. Not sure I pulled it off.

My most preferred way to fake-tan is the airbrush tan. It does require a time period of inactivity and water avoidance (if you follow the rules of Gremlin care you should be okay). And it's a bit expensive to do on a regular basis. It's the perfect bridesmaid dress solution, but don't ever forget the rules--or your expensive fake tan will be ruined!

I have fake tanned at home by using a Loreal aeresol spray, which is much less expensive than other spray brands (such as Fake Bake), but the other spray brands do a better job and the color looks like the fancy airbrush tan.

The most simple and full proof way to get some color (when you are the lighter shade of pale anything helps) is Jergens lotion that has a bit of self-tanner. You're less likely to have a mistake that will last for a week in spite of scrubbing and praying.

So, please heed the words of tanning wisdom I have offered--it could make your dark days less embarrassing and much more attractive.

Happy fake tanning!