I didn't mean to start the day out cranky.
While on a work conference call, I thought I'd check on my home internet status that I recently got through the Big Brother phone company, and I discovered that it wasn't working. So, I tried some self-troubleshooting techniques and came up with no results. Then, I called the helpline.
I gave out my phone number to two different automated voices, and then was told to wait because all representatives were currently assisting other customers. When I did get a representative, she wanted to know my phone number. I told her, and then waited while she had me perform the same troubleshooting techniques I had already performed, but I went ahead and did it all again.
Then, she gave me an alpha-numeric ticket number that has about 20 characters and might also double for the secret code to start the space shuttle. She said that if the automated number did not call me back within 24 hours, that I need to call the hotline number again.
When I got to work, I got a call on my cell phone from the automated line. Then, the automated line told me, "Thanks for calling. All our representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please stay on the line. The next available representatives will be available in ___ minutes." That puzzled me. Didn't the line call me, and then they put me on hold in automated land? To quote the Olsen twins back in their diaper days--how rude! I almost wished I had picked numero dos so I could have been listening to the automated voice en espagnol for a little variety. But I waited.
Finally, after about 12 minutes, I got a real life rep on the other line. The representative wanted to know my telephone number. I told her I didn't have my DSL number, so she said I would need to call again later. She was going to hang up when I said, "Wait! This line called me, and can't you look up my phone number?" Amazingly, she did have that highly technical ability. She told me that a representative might be calling me by tomorrow, or maybe Monday they would come to my house. I explained to her that the last time I was told a tech would visit my house, they never showed. She said that this time they would call beforehand.
It all seems like such a game. We all know that the only way the DSL line will ever work again is if someone flips up the Griswald family breaker switch in the garage. This whole game of "Call this number, wait three days inside with no food by the phone, and we might call you" is not fun. And the whole cover of "our rep will call before they visit" doesn't make sense either. Why the empty promises? Just tell me the truth which might be something like this:
"Listen, lady. We have no idea what is wrong with your DSL. I am going to finish my game of solitaire and tidy up my online chat and eBay bid, and then I am going to give you a code. It's okay if you lose it, because we'll lose it, too. There are so many people that work for this company, that even though are business is communication, we have no way to communicate with each other. Also, our company has a lot of money so you as one customer have just about as much worth to us as a squirrel on one of our telephone wires. And also we have no control over our techs. We don't know where they are either. We think maybe there at home, or sitting at a Denny's. We don't know. Best case scenario, you'll need to call us about 5 more times and be on hold for at least 3 more hours before this is solved. While you're on hold, just keep visualing Tron because that's how we transmit our automated voices. It helps pass the time. Good luck."
[The statement above is not a real portrayal and is used for entertainment purposes only.]
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